cha·grin
n. A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event: To her chagrin, the party ended just as she arrived.
every word of this definition explains how i feel. to feel so frustrated and to only have the counterpart feel amused. i know that conversation was going downhill once i fully expressed my thoughts, but why have it any other way? why would you not say whats on your mind, so that you have no regrets about how you feel or what this person should know? the problem here is that i came off a bit intense, a lil too strong i'm sure. i felt like DANGER from for the love of ray j. actually, i feel like that's how i've been perceived...rite.
now, i was only frustrated with this young man's inconsistency, unavailability, and inability to communicate...something i had mentioned early on, so he had to know this was a concern of mine. in no way did i think we were dating, there was no commitment there, anywhere. but that doesn't mean there should be a lack of concern. part of the problem is we met "professionally", then it went to being platonic, then you add some flirting, then its like wtf? completely confusing. add a different time zone, geographical referencing or cultural attitude, and an industry job, and you get hella problems for how to evaluate human behaviour.
anyway, i just told him i didn't understand him or the situation and i was tired of trying to figure it out. his passive l.a attitude always kicks in when i'm on the opposition, then he'll mix in a lil philosophical bs, which only fuels my fire. and poking fun at me and telling im cute when im frustrated just...well you could imagine how embarrassed i felt. at this point, all i was getting was jokes and lololol's or a one liner. i just decided to put it out there one last time and got nothing substantial. since i just kept embarrassing myself by my standards i decided to end the conversation: "...im done here. im just gonna chill." and somehow this warranted an uproar on his behalf. yyaaaaaayy!!! i have no idea what his response meant, but i got a reaction. unfortunately, i don't remember the rest of the convo, but it ended on a sour note. i signed off by saying "whatever!" and "don't even!" eeeekk!
just kno, i don't go hard if the feeling isn't somehow reciprocated. i'm here to have fun too but if there is an energy to exchange, i'm here to partake. otherwise, that energy is just unfulfilled and wasted. i wont get into the laws of physics, but this did not work because the work did not equate to the energy. i felt like i was exerting more work in this friendship than the counterpart in exchange for lil or nothing.
i'm falling back but i hope this clears up anything i may have said out of haste or anger. it is what it is...whatever that is.
i don't even know if i explained this well at all. my brain is pretty annoyed with trying to express these feelings any more. sorry if this story makes no sense at all.
n. A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event: To her chagrin, the party ended just as she arrived.
every word of this definition explains how i feel. to feel so frustrated and to only have the counterpart feel amused. i know that conversation was going downhill once i fully expressed my thoughts, but why have it any other way? why would you not say whats on your mind, so that you have no regrets about how you feel or what this person should know? the problem here is that i came off a bit intense, a lil too strong i'm sure. i felt like DANGER from for the love of ray j. actually, i feel like that's how i've been perceived...rite.
now, i was only frustrated with this young man's inconsistency, unavailability, and inability to communicate...something i had mentioned early on, so he had to know this was a concern of mine. in no way did i think we were dating, there was no commitment there, anywhere. but that doesn't mean there should be a lack of concern. part of the problem is we met "professionally", then it went to being platonic, then you add some flirting, then its like wtf? completely confusing. add a different time zone, geographical referencing or cultural attitude, and an industry job, and you get hella problems for how to evaluate human behaviour.
anyway, i just told him i didn't understand him or the situation and i was tired of trying to figure it out. his passive l.a attitude always kicks in when i'm on the opposition, then he'll mix in a lil philosophical bs, which only fuels my fire. and poking fun at me and telling im cute when im frustrated just...well you could imagine how embarrassed i felt. at this point, all i was getting was jokes and lololol's or a one liner. i just decided to put it out there one last time and got nothing substantial. since i just kept embarrassing myself by my standards i decided to end the conversation: "...im done here. im just gonna chill." and somehow this warranted an uproar on his behalf. yyaaaaaayy!!! i have no idea what his response meant, but i got a reaction. unfortunately, i don't remember the rest of the convo, but it ended on a sour note. i signed off by saying "whatever!" and "don't even!" eeeekk!
just kno, i don't go hard if the feeling isn't somehow reciprocated. i'm here to have fun too but if there is an energy to exchange, i'm here to partake. otherwise, that energy is just unfulfilled and wasted. i wont get into the laws of physics, but this did not work because the work did not equate to the energy. i felt like i was exerting more work in this friendship than the counterpart in exchange for lil or nothing.
i'm falling back but i hope this clears up anything i may have said out of haste or anger. it is what it is...whatever that is.
i don't even know if i explained this well at all. my brain is pretty annoyed with trying to express these feelings any more. sorry if this story makes no sense at all.
2 comments:
fuck posers my ninja
he's childish. just continue to do u. he sucks. bottom line. thank u ;)
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